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Animals Jokes
Washing
Your Cat
Some people have the misconception that cats never have to be bathed. That somehow they
"lick" themselves clean. Well contrary to this popular belief, cats do NOT have
some enzyme in their saliva that resembles Tide (with or without bleach).
Cats, like their nemesis, the dog .... do get dirty and have a variety of odors... from
smelling like the outhouse where you camped last year to the same odor as your dog's
breath. (Remember... your dog will try to eat anything.) Now we all know that cats HATE
water. And we know that giving the cat a sedative to ease this process of a bath is out of
the question.
So, the best approach is both sneaky and direct. Remember now, this is not the dumb dog
who can be led to tub with lies and a trail of Kibbles and Bits.
Although your cat has the advantage of smarts, quickness and total lack of concern for you
.... you have the advantage of size, strength, and the ability to wear protective
garments.
1. First .... dress for the occasion. A 4-ply rubber wet suit is suggested, along with a
helmet, face mask and welders gloves.
2. A Bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with a shower curtain. A
frenzied cat can shred one of these in about 3.5 seconds.
3. Have the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed bathtub area before hand. No ... blow
drying the cat after the bath is not suggested.
4. Draw the water, making it a little warmer than needed as you still need to find the
cat. Position everything strategically in the shower, so you can reach it even if you are
face down or prone in the tub.
5. Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up, nonchalantly as if you
were simply carrying him/her to the supper dish. No need to worry about the cat noticing
your strange attire... the cat barely notices you anyway.
6. Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom .... speed is essential. In one single
liquid motion, shut the door to the bathroom, step into the shower, close the sliding
doors, and drop the cat into the water. While the cat is still in a state of shock, locate
the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part of him is above the water line. You have just
begun the
wildest 45 seconds of your life. Remember that cats have no handles and add the fact that
he now has soapy fur. His state of shock has worn off and he's madder than a wet hornet.
7. As best, you can, wearing welder's gloves, try to field his body as he catapults
through the air toward the ceiling. If possible, give another squirt of Kitty Bubbles with
his body now fully exposed.
8. During the 5 seconds you are able to hold onto him, rub vigorously. No need to worry
about rinsing. As he slides down the glass enclosure into the tub, he will fall back into
the water, rinsing himself in the process.
9. Only attempt the lather and rinse process about 3 times. The cat will realize the lack
of traction on the glass by then and will use the next attempt on the first available part
of you.
10. Next, the cat must be dried. No...this is NOT the easiest part. By this stage, you are
worn out and the cat has just become semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. We
suggest here that you drain the tub and in full view of your cat. Reach for the bottle of
Kitty Bubbles.
11. If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be off your leg and hanging
precariously from your helmet. Although this view of the cat is most disgusting, he will
be in a much better position for wrapping the towel around him.
12. Be sure cat is firmly wrapped in towel before opening tub enclosure. Open bathroom
door .... put towel wrapped cat on floor and step back quickly. Into tub, if possible, and
do not open enclosure until all you can see is the shredded towel.
13. In about 2 hours .... it will be safe to exit the bathroom. Your cat will be sitting
out there somewhere looking like a small hedgehog while plotting revenge.
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